CI for short, it raises the question, “Why do some leaders, executives, managers,easily and effectively adapt their views and behaviors cross-culturally and others don’t?” A big part of the answer is cultural intelligence—the capability to effectively understand and adapt to a myriad of cultural contexts.

Considering that more and more people have to travel to another culture to get the job done and the odds are that in your place of work, you interact with those with a different cultural origin, you can see why the subject is global. My message here is to act intelligent—develop your cultural intelligence

“Like all types of intelligence, cultural intelligence is made up of a bunch of competencies, so researchers tell us.” I said something along these lines to my Latin American alumnos to begin with but quickly told them that there are a lot of books, good papers, and research studies on cultural inteligence and if interested, they could read and educate themselves. I was more interesested in developing thier cultural intelligence. And if you’ve been to San Francisco, you know that I thought it a city that would provide them with a rich, fun, diverse setting to enjoy, develop, practice their cultural cultural intelligence.

The thrust of my presentation was built around one of the four Cultural inelligence competencies that I personally thought to be very interesting–motivation to learn about other cultures? Do you enjoy it? It is this motivational energy that helps individuals go out explore cultural information and cultural experience.

I thought of myself as motivated for cultural learning. Only the day before, on my way from the airport to the hotel, I had a conversation with the cab driver told me he was from Africa, I immediately asked him, “What’s the biggest difference between your African hometown and America?” What do you think he said?

First, the amount of religons in America amazed him. In his hometown, almost every one is Islamic. Here, he told me, there were more religions than he can count. I confirmed that religous freedom is deeplyh ingrained in the American culture. Next is the concept of Time. “At home, we think of time in the moment. We do not think about the future. Here, I see people here thiking about twenty years from now. In my hometown, you would never see parents saving money for their kids college. In America, everyone does.” I thought these to be interesting insights and differences and when I gave him my tip to read my book, Emotional Intelligence at Work, I felt I had increased my cultural inteligence. I also knew that I would tell my alumnos about what I learned.

After a brief pre-class lunch with a few of the alumnos, class stated with a quick introduction to CI that included my cabby experience and some academic stuff. We conversed aboutcultural differences between Latin America and America. “If I am an American business man coming to Latin America, what is the one thing you want me to know that will help me be effective? You tell me and I will tell you what I think you need to know.” It was a good deal because we both would learn.

They told me, “Family is very important. We have family gathering on Sunday.” I listened and told them we have plenty of family gatherings in America, but often, family members bring with them anxiety and anger as well as love and enthusiasm. Most laughed so I guess their family gathers have similar guests.

For us? They wanted to complete the deal. I told them, “Be direct in your communications.” I wanted more so I asked, “What is the one custom I would note all Latin Americans do?” They told me it was a particular relgious celebration and I am sorry that I forget the particular. To them, “Standing up whenever the national anthem is played. It’s not a law, yet millions of sports fams do it at every sporting event. What does that tell you?”
“Altanero, orgullo,” was the agreed upon response.

Now I wanted to increase the CI of my alumnos. Getting them to enjoy developing their CI was my class objective.
“You’re in a great town to practice and develop your CI and you will have fun too.” I wanted their cultural inelligence activities to be fun, interesting, and educaitonal so they would want to keep developing it and to become more globally effective.

To meet my objective, I prepared three cultural actions—behaviors that would increase their cultural knowledge, develop their cultural intelligence by doing and further motivate them to continue thier cultural learning. I made it point to tell them they were free to do extras of their choice.

“You are here for a week, so each day, take an hour and Walk the Cultural San Francisco Streets. Observe everything. See what you can learn about America and about San Francisco. Besides walking the city streets, you might also walk along the Wharf, Pacific Heights, ride the cable cars, walk the crooked street. Go to Chinatown too. If you can squeeze in the time, take the Bart to Berkely–you’ll be rewarded. Check out Haight Asbury. Do as much as you can. Each day, share your observations with each other and check out each others observations on your next walk. At the end of the week, see if you can come up with your book, American Cultural Rules for Latin American Business People.” You can actually do this in any city.

Second, is Three strangers. “THis is very simple. Go to the conceirge and ask for a recommendation to a San Francisco landmark that is within a twenty minute walk. The go outside and walk two blocks eaither way of the Hotel. Then, approach a stranger and ask him or her for directions to the landmark. However, only speak in Spanish. Observe their reaction. Do they make an effort to understand you? Do they use behavioral gestures to direct you. Do they seem friendly or distant. Repeat this with two more strangers, more if you have the time. You can learn alot about a culture by the way its people respond to you.” You can do this in any city.

The third activity, I told them was my favorite and for sure, one they would enjoy. “San Franciso has a great eating culture. You will enjoy sampling it. Your task is to go to a very good resturant. Practice the American business culture by billing the dinner to your company! You can ask the Hotel staff for recommendations, your friends who have been here, search the net. You can check out the menue on the internet, or you can be surprised. If its good, it’s good. I’ll give you two recommendations: The Slanted Door, and if you motivate yourself to go to Berkley, Chez Panisse. If you go to either one, you will want to thank me.” You can do this in any city but the food might not be as good.

We had a little more discussion: -At what age do you learn cultural intelligence? Does a child who has multi-cultural friends have greater CI than one who doesn’t? We all found it interesting to hear each other’s thoughts and experiences.

My time was up, so I said Adios and they responded with that universal cultural expression that shows appreciation for a job well done: Applause.

PS: At the reception I learned something about their company product: In America, it is the custom to drink Corona Beer (Coronita in Spain) with a piece of lemon or lime in the bottle’s top. In Latin America, no such thing. Remember that if you go to Latin America.
ol. My audience: 65 Latin American executives. My subject: Cultural Intelligence. Have you heard the term?

As I made peace with my uncomfortable seat, I noted that the young guy next to me was wearing a University of Michigan sweatshirt, so naturally our inevitable conversation turned to football — and losing.

I’ll call my seat companion Dwayne, and describe him as friendly, a bit anxious about his future. He was a senior, and had been in New York to visit some law schools — “I’m not close to Ivy League, but I should get in somewhere,” he told me. As I got to know him, I thought he was realistic in his self-appraisal.

Since it was a Friday, our conversation turned to the upcoming college football games to be played the next day. “So, how is Michigan doing these days?”

He reported: “Well, most Michigan fans are very frustrated, some are angry, others disappointed.”

I inquired: “Why is that?”

Dwayne became emphatic: “I won’t say we stink, but for the last few years, we haven’t been very good. Our defense is terrible, our quarterback can’t really pass. We’re just an average team and to top it off, we play in a conference that is terrible compared to others.” I immediately became impressed with his critical thinking skills and felt confident that he could get through law school.

He continued: “Most of my friends are really upset, but I’m not.” He didn’t wait for me to ask him why.

“I’ve changed my expectations and made them more realistic. Even if we were great, it’s unrealistic to think we would never lose — everybody loses. For now, I just accept the fact that we are not going to be a great football team. I know Michigan will never be a football power like Alabama, LSU, Florida, USC or even ASU. Knowing this allows me to enjoy the game, just have fun. ”

He continued: “Also, many of my friends make the game the center of their life. They magnify the significance of it, so naturally, when we lose, they become disappointed. Richie, my younger brother actually cries when Michigan loses.”

Dwayne kept talking: “To me, Michigan football is something to do on a Saturday afternoon, nothing more. When I think about it, if I had spent those Saturday afternoons in the library instead of the big house, I’d probably be going to a better law school.” Maybe, I said.

“You know what else?” He paused to listen to the pilot’s announcement that we’d be landing soon.

“There’s always another game. I learned this is true for everything. When I did poorly on a test, instead of feeling sorry for myself or getting anxious about my grades, I just told myself I’d get another chance. I’d feel better right away.” I told him he would probably get a lot of opportunities to use that thinking.

Right before I put my seat in its upright position, the young Wolverine capped off his lecture on the art of losing. “I remember when the Fab Five blew the NCAA Championship on a mental error. I was so angry that we lost. I remember yelling at the team, ‘Idiots, how can you be so stupid to call a time out when we had none left.’ That loss really hurt. I thought we had a sure thing, and we lost. I didn’t want to talk to anybody.”

I wanted to move him along; “And the point is?”

“The point is that I felt bad and couldn’t talk myself out of it. So I just acknowledged the pain, disappointment, hurt that comes with losing. I learned to accept the feelings of loss and sooner than I thought possible, I was looking forward to our next season.”

“Well put, Wolverine boy,” I said this knowing he was no Hugh Jackman.

As we touched down, I quickly reflected on the losses in my life and thought for sure that I would benefit from heeding this lawyer-to-be’s advice. Yet, experience also told me that it’s realistic to know that there are some losses that linger on for a lifetime.

As we walked off the plane, I wished Dwayne well. It was a short encounter but when he walked away, I felt a loss.

If you follow baseball, you know Arod has been striking out frequently, and in his other at bats, has performed miserably, perhaps a bit worse than Obama who might not have struck out in the first debate, but certainly did no more than scrape out a week single or two.

Neither of these two gave their fans what they wanted so both heard the boos, lots of negative criticism, a lot of mine included. Tonight, during game three of the ALCS and the second debate game, each would have the chance to redeem themselves. I was hoping both would and was also wondering who would do better, Arod or Obama?

Like Lady or the Tiger? , we will never know. Arod had given such a poor performance, he was taken out of the game; he was benched.

Obama, however, did have a chance to play. Whether he performed well is a matter of opinion highly influenced by your political alliances. For me, I thought Obama had some big hits and that he played well under pressure.

Before I went to bed, my thoughts turned to the presentation I was going to give the next morning to Robert Wood Johnson Children’s Hospital on the subject of giving and taking criticism. Robert Wood Johnson Children’s Hospital is one of the most preeminent hospitals in the country so I thought it an honor when I was invited to speak to 150 of their top department managers and share my expertise on positive criticism, a subject that I have been continually studying and learning about for thirty years. I was excited and curious about what I would learn from their questions, comments, examples, and experiences concerning giving and taking criticism.

My presentation was over at noon, and since I live in Westport Ct, I had about a two hour drive to get home. I didn’t mind; I’d use the drive time to reflect upon the presentation I just gave and to listen to ESPN radio where I knew I would hear more criticism about Arod’s performance, the rationale for benching him.

As soon as I got on the New Jersey Turnpike and my route turned straight, I started to mentally multi task: Arod, presentation comments, questions, examples, Obama performance, and criticism. Each of these thought streams merged with each other
The thought that emerged applies to Arod, Obama, many of the managers at RWJ Children’s Hospital, and too most people. Many times, we give criticism to others because they are not giving us what we want and what we want is a function of totally unrealistic expectations.

We all want Arod to hit home runs, but the fact is, he is far from his prime and is no longer one of the game’s best. We have unrealistic expectations about his performance, and it is a well-known psychological fact that when expectations are not met, a frequent response his anger. In this case, we get angry at Arod whereas we should be readjusting our expectations to the fact that there is little chance that Arod will perform like the superstar we want him to be.

We give Obama a lot of negative criticism and anger about his performance concerning the economy. We all want the economy to improve at a much faster rate. When it doesn’t we get angry and criticize Obama for not delivering on his promise. However, just as our expectations are unrealistic for Arod, perhaps our expectations for Obama’s economic performance are also unrealistic. Just because he wants to improve the economy quickly and just because we want him to succeed in this area, that does not mean we are being realistic.

In fact, if you step back and think about all the factors that impact the economy, and where the economy was four years ago, I think you’d have to be a fool to think that the economy could currently being doing much better. The majority of us are operating on unrealistic economic expectations. We all want to continue our spending habits, make more money, and our investments to have a greater pay-off. If this be you, you are, for the next few years being unrealistic—regardless who is President.

Instead of blaming Obama with our criticisms, we-and the country-would probably be better off if we readjusted our expectations to current reality. Cutting back on our own spending—something most of us do not want to do-would be a good start. After all, it’s not the President’s fault that most people max out on their credit cards because of eating out. I wanted a Porsche but I’ll have to settle for an Audi 6—it’s a big difference.

So, my message to Yankee fans—be realistic when it comes to Arod and you will find yourself feeling less anger when you watch him play.

Voters: before you go to the polls, reassess your expectations and when you realize they are unrealistic, I think you will realize the President has performed well and you may want to extend his contract.

For everybody else, make sure your criticisms are based on realistic expectations. If they are, you increase your chances that you will increase the likelihood that your criticism will be helpful.

Looking over the crowd, I called out: “Whether it’s in the boardroom or bedroom, we all face difficult conversations.” Nobody could deny that point, but I continued to run with, “Whether it’s with your boss, colleague, assistant, or your partner, child, parent, or next door neighbor, we’ve all had difficult conversations that evoke thoughts and feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and yes, nauseating to some.

“There’s no guarantee, but there are a few plays I’ve developed that can help you make these conversations a lot less difficult and a lot more successful.” I was already at midfield. I began my play calls, all easy to execute, at least for a pro like me and Peyton:

I started running: “What makes it a difficult conversation?” Is it the content you have to deliver, like telling the person he smells? Sometimes its the relationship, as when you have to criticize your boss. Or, is it because the recipient gets defensive, be it angry, tearful or simply withdraws? Once you know what makes it difficult, you can start to develop a strategy. I gained a quick 12 yards with that call.

Next: “What is your goal — what do you want the conversation to accomplish?” Too many people go into the conversation without knowing what they want to achieve. Thus, they scramble around but often end up losing ground. Knowing what you want the conversation to accomplish allows you to develop a strategy and pick up ground, like Peyton and I typically do.

Keeping the drive going, I called: “Anticipate all the defenses the recipient might throw at you.” Anger, tears, and denial can blitz anyone, but also be prepared for silence. By anticipating recipient defensiveness, you can prepare for it and be ready if and when it occurs. Another key point is to know that the faster you read the recipient’s defensive moves, the faster you can use them as a cue that you are being ineffective and can then call an automatic that redirects the conversation to productive ground. The trap most fall into is to tell the recipient, “Hey you are getting defensive.” This statement only increases the defensiveness you are trying to overcome and more importantly does not acknowledge the truth — that you, the communicator, are the one who is being ineffective — if you were effective, the recipient would be listening. This point took me into the red zone.

A fast call: “Ask yourself, what have you already tried?” This increases your awareness to the losing plays you have already attempted and there is no need to try them again. If you can’t think of any new ones, forget your ego and ask others.

Looking at the clock, I saw it was time to cross the goal line, and I had the play that never fails. “Finally, remember to be strategic in all of your difficult conversations. Do this by asking: ‘How can I communicate this information so the recipient will be receptive?’” Your answer will help you communicate the most crucial communication and overcome any defensive behavior thrown at you.

I was in the end zone and the crowd was going nuts. It was over, but I still went for a two-point conversion. The crowd hushed as I asked: “What do you prefer: Peyton Manning scoring a touchdown or having a plan to handle your most difficult conversations?” With Tebow enthusiasm, the crowd chanted the second option. I finished: “Well, shouldn’t I get 20 million too?”

If you need a specific play for handling a difficult conversation, let me know and I will design one for you.

Basically, PI is the ability of knowing oneself. Its importance lies in the fact that only when you recognize your true capabilities and intelligences can you truly live your life to the optimum. A simple illustration of this is having an extraordinary hidden talent but never recognizing it or using it. Another would be to overrate yourself and get a false sense of pride out of it, only to be devastated when the reality sets in.

More technically, PI is the capacity to reason about personality and to use personality and personal information to enhance one’s thoughts, plans, and life experience. Its chief components include recognizing personally relevant information about yourself from introspection and others, and using that information to systematize your goals, plans, and life stories for good outcomes.

If this doesn’t sound important, I will remind you of the fact that tens of thousands of individuals derail themselves by making wrong decisions about what jobs to take, what work environments to enter, who to work with, and by overrating their abilities and underrating their deficiencies. These are all examples of low PI.

Like many success factors, you can develop your PI. Your main tool is introspection — not the popular mindfulness. The difference is that introspection has nothing to do with “being in the moment.” Rather, it is a deliberate, time-consuming process that requires you to study yourself so that you can assess yourself accurately. In the context of interpersonal PI, it means meticulously observing others so that you recognize individual differences in how they operate so that you can respond and facilitate their uniqueness for positive results.

Here is a methodology that I have used to help dozens of executives and managers develop their PI.

1. Block off 45 minutes for introspective time. Make sure you are in a quiet environment with immunity to interruptions
2. Select an one area of your personality that is crucial to your career success. There are many to choose from. You might start with.choosing one from these four that are linked to your success: interests, skills, learning style, handling pressure.
3. Spend the designated time introspecting on the personality area you selected. As you introspect, think of examples. For example, if you choose learning style, think about all the facts you can muster: How long does it take you to learn new information and what type of information is it easy or hard for you to learn? Are you a visual learner or auditory? Are you a self-learner or do you need instruction? Do you learn better in groups or individually? You might find it helpful to make a list of questions that will direct your introspection.
4. Record your introspective observations. When you are finished, be sure to write down your findings. Having an introspective journal will be useful to keep your introspective thoughts organized.
5. Repeat the procedure for the other areas.

To reiterate, part of PI is your ability to integrate your personality data to use in creating a positive life story. You accomplish this by studying your data and matching it with your current life situation, in this example, your job/career path. Ask yourself: “Does the data suggest I am in the right job, the right environment? Is my personality data in accordance with the goals I want to achieve? Am I doing work that reflects my interests? Are my strengths being maximized? What are my weaknesses and are they being developed or hurting me?” These questions and others that you ask will help you leverage your PI so that you can achieve your potential.

The caveat is that most individuals fail to be accurate in their assessment; they engage in self-deception. You can combat this tendency by thinking of multiple examples, rather than few, for each personality area you study. You can also check the validity of your observations by asking trusted others for their introspective thoughts about your personality. Doing so will help you develop their interpersonal PI.

In a future post, I will illustrate how your PI can help you get into positive relationship. Until then, I would like to hear your thoughts as to how your PI has helped you or a lack of PI has hindered you.

Story line: Charlie is a former baseball player whose anger beat him into a self-inflicted career-ending injury, prompting him to go back to school and become a therapist specializing in anger management. Whether the show is funny or not is up to you, but as an anger management critic, I’d say the batting average of the starting line up was pretty good. Here’s my scorecard beginning with lead-off “hitter.”

[Warning: Spoilers ahead.]

1. Show opens with Charlie hitting a punching bag, explaining to his “patients” that this is a good way to take out frustration if you need to “physicalize” your frustration. While it is good to do a physical activity to reduce frustration, it is better to do a productive physical activity such as exercising or cleaning your house. Hitting a punching bag might reduce some frustration but it reinforces hitting — so “safe” on an error.

2. Fines his patients a dollar for making “inappropriate hostile comments.” I’ve used this strategy and find it helps patients increase their awareness to how they verbalize their thoughts and reduces hostile comments. A “single here,” but I practiced in Beverly Hills so the fine was a C note.

3. Patients share their “anger stories.” This helps patients become comfortable in sharing their feelings, learn from each other and puts their own experiences into perspective. A definite “triple.”

4. Charlie points out that mismanaged anger took something away from him that he loved (baseball) and he doesn’t want that to happen to his patients. A very accurate message about the negative effects of anger, as it can destroy relationships and help you lose your job. “Home run.”

5. Charlie recognizes his daughter’s non-verbal anger cues and talks to her. Recognizing when your child is angry and attending to their emotional landscape is an excellent parent skill. “Home run.”

6. Working with prisoners, Charlie tells them that hitting another person is never justified. When anger tuns to aggression, it is a problem. The message here is another “home run.”

7. Charlie loses his temper and later discloses to his patients that he too has an anger problem. I think it is permissible for a therapist to share his experiences with his or her clients — many disagree. I think it builds authenticity but acknowledge this decision is scored as a “fielder’s choice.”

8. Charlie goes to a therapist, who points out that a lost of “control” over his daughter is a contributor to his anger experience. People often get angry when they perceive they are not in “control” of their lives or of someone else. While you can control your own behavior, accepting you cannot control others can be a powerful anger management helper. Solid “double” here.

9. Charlie shows sensitivity and awareness to a lady he hurt years earlier. He apologizes from the heart. Being tuned to the feelings of others, acknowledging your wrong and hurtful actions, and a genuine apology reduces anger and hurt in others and helps anger pass. “Home run.”

For me, Anger Management is a definite win, and if you give it a chance, I think it will provide plenty of laughs — a great way to manage your anger!

Performance appraisal—if ever time to apply your emotional intelligence, it’s when you have your performance appraisal. After all, when was the last time you said to a friend or your partner, “Gee, I can’t wait until tomorrow–I have my performance appraisal.” For most, PA triggers all sorts of anxieties and often the process promotes defensiveness peppered with anger with results of disappointment, dejection, and even depression, not the best for inspiring improvement. You can turn it around by using three components of your emotional intelligence–mood management, interpersonal expertise, and self-motivation. I’ll walk you through each.

Mood Management refers to many skills but here it is your ability to manage your emotions. Start by recognizing that emotions are a composite of your thoughts, physical arousal, and actions. Together, these factors form your emotional operating system, each influencing the other. Your goal is to make each work for you rather than against you. Take your thoughts first. Telling yourself, “This performance appraisal is going to be terrible,” is apt to increase your heart beat and promote defensive behavior. Thus, increase your awareness to your thought talk so you can tell yourself, “This is an opportunity to learn how I can be more effective.” This line of thinking will keep you cool, calm, and collected and receptive to the evaluation that is coming your way. Next, use your self-awareness to help you breathe slow–it will keep you relaxed and allow you to listen better. Managing your thoughts and physical arousal as suggested will help you manage your behavior so you don’t say things impulsively that will get you in trouble.

Interpersonal Expertise refers to your skills for relating well to others. Here, you want to listen and take criticism non-defensively. This translates into not interrupting and making excuses. Your job is to get your boss/supervisor to fully articulate their thoughts so you can gain awareness into how you are perceived. Ask for suggestions that will help you improve so you can formulate an action plan. If you are not understanding what is being said, ask for more information, “Can you tell me more…it would help.” Refrain from making evaluations and debating issues…”I disagree, you are wrong..” Stay non defensive by using productive thought-talk.

Self-Motivation is your ability to get started on your own. Here, it is important for helping you take action on what you have learned. To make it easier to self-motivate, take one improvement suggestion at a time–doing so will prevent you from being overwhelmed. Block off a specific time period each day (TIme Lock) to do a specific improvement oriented task (focal lock) such as completing your paper work so you can hand it on time.

Performance appraisal does not have to be filled with anxiety and promote defensiveness and dejection. It can be a great opportunity to learn about yourself, what is important to your boss, and improve your effectiveness. All you have to do is put your emotional intelligence to work!

I’d like to hear how you use your EI during your performance appraisals.

People respond to setbacks differently. Most, however, experience a setback as some type of loss—whether of direction, motivation, self-esteem, confidence, or pleasure in their job. Most also tend to go through the same stages in coming to grips with loss—disbelief, anger, wanting to turn back time, depression, acceptance, hope, and positive activity.

To regain your momentum, you must fully experience and move through each of these stages. You might experience several stages at once, or you might return briefly to a stage you’ve already passed. The only requirement is that you thoroughly work through each stage. This is where your comeback toolkit comes into play.

It’s not easy to deal with setbacks—they are emotionally arousing, draining, and taxing. The good news, though, is there are specific skills that can help you turn a setback into a comeback. The key is to remember to use them. Here is your comeback toolkit:
1. Tune in to your thoughts. Many will be exaggerated and irrational statements-”My life is over, I’m a failure.” Counter punch using rational thoughts that give you perspective: “It’s not the end of the world, I will have many other chances…”
2. Use your sense of humor. Doing so will help reduce your negativity, restore your perspective, and the endorphins will energize you.
3. Practice Relaxation. This will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed, and stressed out and keep your thinking rational.
4. Engage in physical activity. Keeping active energizes you for positive action and prevents you from sitting home and feeling sorry for yourself.
5. Use Your Support Team. Don’t complain to them but go to them to help you problem solve.
6. Reassess Goals and Priorities. A setback becomes a great time to look for new life path.

Setbacks happen to all of us. I suggest you make a list of the tools mentioned and keep them in sight—you’ll be more likely to use them and it will be easier to turn a setback into a comeback.

I’m sure you have your comeback tools too–I’d like to hear them

By now, you are probably aware of how the Miami Marlins’ manager, Ozzie Guillen spoke words that thousands of Latinos, baseball and non-baseball fans, found offensive. If you don’t read the Sports section, listen to ESPN, or just missed the story, here is a quick summary of what has turned into “Heat.”

In a Time magazine interview, Ozzie, who has a reputation in the baseball world of speaking out, uttered, “I love Castro.” As you would expect, the Miami Latino population and others became angered and many of their leadership groups called for the Marlins to fire him so just like a politician who is caught in a lie or exposed for a shameful act, Ozzie held a press conference–not doubt the Marlins insisted.

Naturally, the press conference was a media event-live on ESPN, dozens of reporters, and several thousand Latinos outside the ball park watching on big, big, television screens. It was a well-publicized event.

Ozzie apologized profusely. He felt, “sad and embarrassed.” Speaking from the heart, he explained what he meant to say: basically that he was amazed that someone who has hurt so many people and been the target of assassinations, had not only survived, but was still in power. He, so Ozzie said, was pointing out that Castro was “tough,” like a pitcher who threw 300 innings. He did not love Castro, but was admiring his “toughness.” He punctuated himself by saying that he was “thinking in Spanish but communicating in English,” and it did not translate.

On and on the press conference went: repetitive questions, repetitive apology with the end result that the Miami Marlins suspended him for five days, while most Latinos wanted him fired.

Now, readers, lets step back from the Ozzie incident and look at ourselves. Consider: how many times have you said something that has offended another person, be it at home or at work? How many times have you said something, and although minutes later you regretted your words, you still got burned?

For me, the answer is plenty. I can recall numerous times when my words-at home and in a business setting such as a presentation, were found to be offensive to others and believe me, I have paid the price-a lost client, a hurt and angry loved one. Like Ozzie, I would profusely apologize, clarify my words, restate my intention, but for the most part, damage done is damage done. Like me, I bet you have similar stories to tell.

In fact, all of us have been like Ozzie; we have all said things that have offended others. Sometimes it is due to anger and out of hurt. Other times, it’s because we think we are being funny or we simply speak to quick, and for sure, we often say things because being politically correct goes against our beliefs. Whatever the reason, rarely, I have found, do people say things with the intent, especially in a public forum, to offend others. Ozzie said that “I love Castro, “but he did not say it with the intent to offend others. Naturally, this does not excuse him from the responsibility of his remarks; this is why he was punished and suspended for five days.

I believe we should all be held accountable for what we say, regardless of intent, but there are some lessons from the Ozzie incident that if followed, will make it less likely to put your foot in your mouth.

1. Increase your Self-Awareness. Here the term refers to being more conscious to how you communicate. Begin to pay attention to your choice of words, what they mean to you and how they might be interpreted by others. Get in the habit of asking yourself, “how might others perceive me if I speak these words?” If the answer is a negative, I doubt you will utter your words.

2. Don’t ignore your built in Censor. You have freedom of speech but there will be consequences for what you say. Recognize what you think in one thing, what you say is another. You think your boss is a jerk but you probably won’t say so because you have a built in censor. Listen to your censor and you will edit your thoughts for the best way to express them.

3. Empathy. Who are you speaking to and how will he, she, or they feel what you say your words? What you think is funny others think are cruel or insensitive. This is why ethnic jokes are prohibitive in public forums. A good policy to follow is to ask yourself, “If I were the other person, how would I feel if someone said this to me?” Your answer might save you from trouble.

4. Fast Apology. Research shows the best way to repair a relationship damaged by hurtful and offensive words is a fast apology. The Marlins held a press conference immediately so Ozzie could apologize to those he offended. Some call it damage control, but the point is, a quick sincere apology begins to heal the wound so step up to the plate instead of sitting on the bench.

5. Let it go. Those offended have a responsibility too. You have been hurt by words and if you sincerely believe that was not the speaker’s intent, and you believe their apology is sincere, than let it go-otherwise you will never be able to move on. An apology is worthless if we don’t accept it, and if you don’t, you keep the wound open. Enough is enough.

We all say things we don’t mean and we all offend others unintentionally. The best you can do is to try to minimize these occurrences. Now, for Ozzie, and the people he offended, it’s time to Play Ball!

Back in the day, I frequently watched her shows with her and, besides this being fun, I always found the “show” to be a great stimulus to discuss life issues that she was experiencing or would inevitably have to confront, as well as helping me tune in to the same situations. You might say that we were tutored by television.

Such was the case a Monday ago. Those who know my daughter know these two points: first, the dinner was healthy — salad, salmon, steamed vegetables; and second, we were not going to watch Monday Night Football.

After appetizing up with the new “90210″ (the difference between this one and the old one being that I can now talk during the show; during the reign of the original, my daughter restricted my comments to commercial time), we were ready for our main course and the feature presentation: “Gossip Girl.”

Under the same conditions, I had seen the show the previous week and with Bri’s notes, I was up to par. Suffice it to say that I cannot explain it to you, but the show — and I say this as a psychologist — is worthy of viewing because it takes dysfunction to a new level.

The only plot points you need to know are that malicious friends — including her step-sister — have it in for Serena, and her parents blame her for all the mishaps, when in fact she is innocent and her friends are the culprits.

As the night’s episode reached its climax, Serena’s parents, Lily and Rufus, confront each other with what they consider to be a parental deficiency: “We can’t control our own daughters.” In reality, trying to control your kids is the real parental deficiency and is a root cause of parent-child conflicts at all ages.

Immediately I turned down the volume for our dialogue. “Bri, do you think I try to control you?” I asked.

“Of course not. Now put on ‘The Fashion Show,’ please,” was her instructional response. I didn’t mind; I was pleased that my daughter did not perceive me as one of those “controlling parents.” If you are a parent, I hope your kids can say the same.

Issues of control are inherent in all parent-child relationships. Unfortunately, not enough parents (at least in this psychologist’s opinion), handle the gauntlet effectively, thus giving birth to the all familiar power struggles, taxing to even the most resilient parent and child.

Parent-child power struggles come at all ages. Sometimes, it’s about the clothes to wear, when to go to bed, who to be friends with or not, who to date, where to go to college, what job to take, and where to live. Whatever the problem may be, the common denominator is the parent trying to impose his or her will upon the child. As TV imitates life, Serena’s parents are distraught because they cannot get their daughter to do what they want her to do, even though their wishes are not in their daughter’s best interest.

Why do parents try to control their kids? You can count on the fact that psychologists, psychiatrists and psychoanalysts have been generous in giving their explanations, and every parent has their own explanations, too — all valid.

Here are three that seem to fuel “controlling parents” and inevitably create disturbances in parent-child relationships:

• Forced expectations. All parents have expectations of their children, but controlling parents overtly pressure their children to meet their specific expectations: “You are going to become a doctor” becomes more important to the parent than, “You will do what you like.” Many times, forced expectations represent the parent’s unfulfilled dreams. In this scenario, the parent is constantly trying to force the child to do things that make the parent feel good/proud, regardless of the stress it inflicts on their child.

  Advice: Start to clarify your parental expectations and your motive for having them. Be aware of how your parental expectations influence your relationship with your child, and how your parents’ expectations influenced your relationship with them.

• The desire to do right. All parents want their children to do the right thing, but for controlling parents, doing the right thing means, “Do what I want you to do.” In essence, the controlling parents rob the child of the opportunity to develop their own judgment and decision-making skills.

  Advice: Remember that what is right for you may be wrong for your child. Help your child clarify their values, and develop problem-solving skills so that they can choose what is right for them.

• Fear of abandonment. Parents are in the paradoxical position of preparing someone they love to leave them. Losing a loved one is apt to create anxieties, in this case often stemming from the parent’s thoughts and feelings that they will be abandoned when their children are grown.

  Controlling parents diminish these feelings by manipulating their children to be dependent on them, thus keeping them in the “role” of a child. Parents often accomplish this by sabotaging their child’s autonomy and undermining their confidence. Tactics vary from the message, “You can’t do it; I will have to do it for you” (which can be subtle or explicit) to creating financial dependency.

  Advice: Be a good listener, honor their feelings, show them your love every day and be supportive, and you will never have to worry about their abandoning you.

“Gossip Girl,” you can help a lot of parents, especially Lily and Rufus, if you spread this message: Trust your kid to succeed. That is no gossip!

XOXO,
Dr. Hank

P.S.: I regained control of the television after “The Fashion Show.”